Effing Dykes Offers: Exactly What Lies Beneath (The Woman Nails) | Autostraddle

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Hiya lezzers!

I got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SCARY TALE??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get your pal. Everybody had gotten your own buddy? Good. Hang on fast your friend’s hand.

‘Cause this can be a real tale.

Ahem.

Not So Long Ago, when I was actually thus recently gay I didn’t have any idea I was freshly homosexual…

An meet older lesbians on now-defunct queer bar called


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I was entirely merely indeed there to dancing)


gave me some information:

1)


Never ever open a combined bank account along with your fan



2)


Never fake orgasms



3)


Guarantee a woman’s nails are clean.

The sensible lesbian was a student in the woman belated 40’s, an age-group up until now from the my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i really couldn’t actually envision exactly what it must certanly be like to be so ancient.

How unfortunate, I Was Thinking. Right here the woman is at a bar and she’s outdated. I’m hoping Really don’t wind up lonely like her.

Is not it enjoyable become the biggest market of your own universe?

What a little crap I was.

For reasons uknown, though, we was presented with from

Za’s


that night repeating her three guidelines to myself personally.

Whenever I woke upwards, I imagined of those.

It had been similar to in Silver seat, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be charged by Aslan to consider The symptoms.


You shouldn’t act like you do not re-read the Narnia boxed-set one or more times a year.

Anyway! over the years, I always recalled the three life classes the lesbian had instructed me. Her guidance produced good sense.

I never opened a shared bank checking account with any individual.

We never ever faked orgasms once again after the first couple of times i did so it, realizing I became, indeed, dooming me to a continuous period of shitty intercourse by enjoyable poor overall performance with my cries of «ecstasy.»

And that I always covertly checked a lady’s fingernails before we slept with her.

Short? Check.

No abrasive sides? Check.

Thoroughly clean? It’s search time.

But why, nymphos?


What is the big issue about fingernails?


What is with all the current short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?

What i’m saying is, alright, I get it. Its tougher to screw with lengthy nails. You could potentially possibly puncture a lung or something.

But it’s not impossible. I have had very long fingernails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em is not all those things difficult — you merely ensure that you utilize the pads of fingers.

Why ended up being that lesbian so emphatic about thoroughly clean fingernails?

All of you, she was



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made the decision doing some debunking.

Definitely nothing could really occur should you decide got banged by some one with filthy nails.

Then I recalled a tale therefore terrible I would very nearly overlooked it.

Homos.

Poor crap can happen.

This scary story relates to you due to my personal good-looking pal »


Cai



,» who’s observed a lot more snatch in temperature than a kitty clinic on totally free Spay Day.

Okay.

Cai


was a student in Miami when she came across a very hot femme we’re going to call


Katie.

Katie


smelled like glucose cookies cooking, dressed in a leopard-print bikini, had enormous silver hoops that shimmered within the light, and also had one of several greatest asses


Cai


had ever before observed.

She covertly texted myself a photo of

Katie

at share so she could brag, and that I texted right back,


«I would personally strike that till my personal hand dropped off.»

Very, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


residence that evening. There was indeed some serious ingesting.

While getting undressed


Katie


when you look at the half-light,


Cai


noticed anything she hadn’t actually observed prior to:



Katie had cool nails.

In reality,




Katie




had an extended, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


cannot stop the mental picture of these nails clawing down the woman back while she fucked


Katie


, thus animalistic gender commenced.

Cai


even leave

Katie


shag her, even though she ordinarily never ever allows anyone do that. What the hell, she thought. Heading residence the next day. Never ever see this lady once more. I am able to get topped for a night.

Let’s fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?

One thing was actually incorrect with


Cai’s


«area.»

Really, severely wrong. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish things ended up being oozing from it. So when I state some I mean too much. quantities. of. pus.

Cai


refused to visit the lady-doctor.

Because getting encouraging is really what friendship is all about, whenever she explained, we said,


«You finally got the clap. Whorebag.»

Cai


chuckled nervously. She went house, googled «the clap» and turned into convinced that she performed, without a doubt have gonorrhea. She went, the very first time actually


(she ended up being 28),


to your queer-friendly neighborhood gyno hospital.

They didn’t know very well what was completely wrong with her.

They tried the lady for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Nothing.

Cai


was a student in some pain. She needed responses. She was in fact placing the


‘pus’


in


«pussy»


for nearly 30 days today.

So they really offered the girl an ultrasound.

AND DO YOU GUESS WHAT THEY DISCOVERED.

Genital tears. All over the within the woman vag.

Many rips.

Cai


was indeed torn to shreds. Her insides were clinging in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe-paper birthday designs in there.

And every little thing – every finally inch – was actually contaminated.

It could look that after Katie utilized the woman fantastic extended nails to give

Cai


a vigorous drunk-fuck, no person understood that the woman nails happened to be also a festering reproduction ground for



microbial vaginosis

.

Really Good.

Cai


claims to have been a stone-cold top ever since.

My personal closest friend wikipedia says you can aquire terrible infections from dirty fingernails. Obviously, you can find occasionally staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, which could cause something from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And do you know what otherwise?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna say.

That smart lesbian had been spot-on together with her existence classes.

Never ever open a shared bank checking account together with your fan.

Never ever phony sexual climaxes.

And holy mummy of god, browse a unique technique’s nails before fucking.

Or perhaps you tend to be destined to suffer the fate of Cai.

THE CONCLUSION

I have to ask yourself, however…

Have any of y’all actually obtained anything horrible from another women’s fingers?

Or been aware of someone that performed?

Or perhaps is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian metropolitan misconception?

My personal fingers tend to be inching towards the travel-sized Purell package.

Now I need answers.